Found: An Embarassment-Free Child

When it comes to predicting your child's athletic aptitude, ignorance might be bliss.

Imagine this: Your child just took his first steps and now the two of you are sitting in a sterile waiting room. He’s only going in for a simple procedure—just a quick swab of the inside of his cheek to examine his DNA—but you’re nervous.

Within a few weeks, you’ll know whether he has the talent to be the next Michael Phelps or Brett Favre—or if he’s doomed to a life on the third string. All thanks to this magic swab.

Atlas Sports Genetics, a Boulder, Colorado-based company offers this radical test. Through DNA analysis of the swab, they can determine your tot’s natural athletic prowess (infants to 8-year olds can be tested). This is done through analyzing the ACTN3 gene, which was found to predict athletic ability in a 2003 study.

The analysis takes just two to three weeks, and the results arrive as a certificate announcing “Your Genetic Advantage.” The test breaks down whether your child is geared for endurance sports (distance running, swimming or cross-country skiing), speed/power sports (football, weight lifting or sprinting) or sports that combine both (soccer or cycling). It costs $149, but for parents who spend hundreds of dollars on athletic equipment just for their son or daughter to warm the bench, the price is worth it.

At first, I thought this test sounded great. Sayonara to kids shooting hoops for endless hours…only to release airball after airball. No more embarrassing tee-ball strikeouts. All kids can be stars rather than be snubbed.

But then I thought of the flip side. Kids who are too young to say ‘ball’ are banned from catching one. Kids who have just barely learned to walk are barred from relay races. Little ones may reflect on their “Glory Days” before they’ve progressed to pull-ups.

Instead of hearing “You can be anything you want to be,” this test says there are limitations to your aspirations. Sorry baby, you weren’t born to run. Lift these mini, pre-diaper dumbbells instead.

I love sports, and have played a wide variety of them—basketball, volleyball, soccer, track, cross-country, gymnastics, tap dancing and ballet. For any of you who know me, I’m completely serious about that last one. My uncoordinated self attempted plies and pas de bourrées with the best of them. If I had taken this test, it would have read “Kristin should never set foot on a dance floor. Ever.”

Although I may have been the world’s worst ballerina, I don’t regret for a minute hat I donned a periwinkle tutu and twirled to “Rainbow Connection.” Even though I was in the back row.

Maybe this test will help you determine exactly which sport you child will succeed in, but is success all that ultimately matters? Some kids may strike out every time they go to bat, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll give up their love of the game. The Rudy’s of the world should keep striving for their dreams, even if they don’t necessarily have the innate talent for it.